"I have a nice perspective on what it means to be in charge of the most important project in the history of mankind."

Brian Valentine, Windows 2000 Project Manager

Sending a good link to a nice juicy shocker of a website is the net equivalent of bumping into a celebrity or bedding someone desirable. You get massive kudos from your peers. People are impressed. They're suddenly interested in you. They imagine you're some kind of wild Internet frontiersman / treasure hunter for whom the Web is like some small, easily explored patio. You're on a one-man USS Enterprise out on a mission to discover strange new pictures of really fat people and to send them back to entertain us, mere mortals.

Focus, Aug 1999

Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.

It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Weird Error Messages:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (sole response from a malfunctioning motherboard)

I DON'T EAT RAISINS. (From a Data General AOS/VS System)

Fossel

eBay, the online auction site, specifically bans the sale of—and I quote— "soiled underwear". Excuse me? Soiled underwear? Is it just me, or does it strike anyone else as odd that they specifically mention this?

eBay Prohibited Items List

Windows 95 is not a virus. Viruses DO something

"Life!... It's a cybernetic psychedic explosion of garishly illuminated images, sounds, smells, and feelings! I am skewed, warped, distorted, twisted, altered in such a way as to defy description. I am discombobulated to the maximum intensity of a techno rave, industrial force. I'M ALIVE, DAMN YOU, AND MY HEAD IS TWEAKED TO THE Nth POWER! My mind is swirling and pulsing with reckless, exuberant abandon! Pounding and surging in a vortex of sensory overload! Euphoric insanity!!"

"Sooooo..... how's life been treatin you?"

"I LIKE IT!"

Cyprus Frost

The great thing about standards is that there are so many of them...

Personalization: the automatic tailoring of sites and messages to the individuals viewing them so that we can feel that somewhere there's a piece of software that loves us for who we are.

David Weinberger, JOHO

If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it! This is the most dangerous E-Mail virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty, drink all your beer, make you fall in love with a penguin, give you nightmares about circus midgets, leave the toilet seat up and kill your dog.

Badtimes Virus Alert

Weeks of coding can save you hours of planning.

An ironic "Microsoft Solution Framework" course attender

Anybody who's studied software engineering knows that a schedule which underestimates the time needed to develop a project actually makes the project take longer.

Talin, computer game programmer

LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, VII:
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, IX:
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, X:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.

If at first you don't succeed, add 1 to any integer variable.

In Life: You spill your cereal at breakfast, you get fired from your job, your dog dies, and your house burns down.
Computer Equivalent: Virus Detected.

In Life: You've finished a 900 page novel. Your life's work. You will be a famous author world-wide; but then, it falls into the lit fireplace.
Computer Equivalent: Quitting without saving.

In Life: A solution to all problems is found. World peace is achieved, all conflicts end, and everyone is happy.
Computer Equivalent: Ctrl+Alt+Del

Jackal