Nuke gay whales for Jesus

It is a choice between two evils, and I am going to shut my eyes, hold my nose, vote, go home and disinfect myself.

Letter to Former President Cleveland

Time doth flit; Oh, shit.

Dorothy Parker

Friends come, and friends go, but enemies accumulate.

Illuminati

Earth first, we'll strip-mine the other planets later!

One thing kids like to be is fooled. I remember, once, I told my nephew I was taking him to Disney world, but I really took him to a burned down old warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyworld has burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. Then I started to take him to the real Disneyworld, but it was dark, so I went home.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

If I wanted to express my views on politics, I would have formed a fucking debating society, not a band!

Suggs, lead singer of Madness

It's not America I have the problem with, it's the Americans.

Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!

Smile, Satan hates you.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

The heck with the day... carpe scrotum!

Harris, G

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

Do you dream of exploring space or working for NASA? If so, avoid black holes and drugs.

Bless the children, for the national debt is theirs.

Herbert Hoover

I was born -- wait, it gets worse.

God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!

Brad K

If god had meant for us not to fly, he wouldn't have given us marijuana.

Patrick Marlowe

Well, look who's here! It's God's gift to crack whores!

Tera Ellefson

"If you ask me, these cheap, mudslinging ads drag the political process down to a level so juvenile and debased, I can actually understand it."

George Lowell, Investment Banker