As you're reading what I've put,
You are pissing on your foot

Graffiti above a urinal

You know, putting up a tent is like making love to a beautiful woman. You undo the zip, pop in your pole, and slip into the old bag.

The Fast Show

They say that every hour you spend exercising is another hour added on to your life. But what good is all that time if you spend it on exercise?

Bruce Willis

Fat Girls are good for two things. Heat in the winter and shade in the summer.

Sorry I've missed church, I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

Bumper Sticker

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog... and I don't even have a dog.

Jarvis Black

"I see!" says the blind man, as he pisses in the fan, "It all comes back to me now..."

Sierra Mallett

I said "NO" to drugs!
(but they just wouldn't listen)

From a t-shirt

Jesus loves you
(but everyone else thinks you're an asshole)

Olga Koussi

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

Eddie Izzard

PHILOSOPHY, n. A path of many roads leading from nothing to nowhere.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

I'm always getting screwed by the system. That's my lot in life. I'm the system's bitch.

Drew Carey

The game of life has three rules:

1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't get out of the game.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Silence is golden... but it's also boring.

Tara F

"If a person offends you, do not resort to extremes, simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick."

Mark Twain

Some might say I'm a right-wing, reactionary fanatic who had a horrible upbringing because his father beat him everyday with a bible, but it never did me any harm.

"The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off."

British Army Journal (1949)

Constipated people don't give a shit!

Hey, I don't like cocaine... I just like the way it smells.

Rodney Dangerfield