"Of course you found it in the last place you looked. If you hadn't found it you'd still be looking"

Anarchists of the world, unite!

It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Nikkid

"What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Storm troopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?"

Tom Galloway

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work."

Gallagher

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.

Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961

Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill: "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it."

I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies. In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too. But they die happy.

Barry Farber, in the Journal of Petroleum Technology

I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it.

Unknown English Professor

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

English Professor, Ohio University

"The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question 'How can we eat?' the second by the question 'Why do we eat?' and the third by the question 'Where shall we have lunch?'"

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea..."

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy