"Is there a number higher than infinity?" "Oh yes- infinity plus shipping and handling"

Johnny Carson (The Tonight Show)

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Emo Phillips

God gave men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to work one at a time.

Anonymous

This momentous moment marks the concluding conclusion of your trip to the Department of Redundancy Department.

Phil Miskovic

There is no gun there to kill you, unless there's a person behind it pulling the trigger!

Some idiot

Cover me, I'm changing lanes.

Bumper sticker

I don't want the whole world, just your half.

Side of Building in New York

When people say "I'm gonna kick your ass!", they never kick your ass, they punch you in the face.

When you get gloomy, just take and hour off and sit and think about how much better this world is than hell. Of course, it won't cheer you up if expect to go there.

Don Marquis

"Heh heh heh! Lisa! Vampires are just make-belief, just like faeries, trolls and eskimoes."

Homer Simpson

The greatest definition of success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal.

Earl Nightingale

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.

Friends

It may be Winter outside, but it's always Summer in your armpit.

Tommy Gorman

Even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and then.

A word to the wise ain't necessary, its the stupid ones who need all the advice.

Bill Cosby

Eat healthy, exercise more, still die.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 15, one to change it 14 to grumble, "I could have done that part, I was up to it"

Suzanne Parry

"I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it."

Jack Handy, Saturday Night Live

The chieftain had been turned into a pumpkin although, in accordance with the rules of universal humour, he still had his hat on.

Terry Pratchett, "Lords and Ladies"